Last day at my internship today wooh.

Life going er somewhere........ hopefully, got that job(ish) offer which is nice,  will be dropping off an application to be a Family Services Advocate for the Head Start Program. It is the last day to turn it in.  I have been trying to for a while by fax but they have gotten them all blurry and left me a message that they can't really make out the info on them. So wish me luck with that folks!!!

So well on other news last night I b/ped again, which makes six times this week. Ugh crap. Seriously??? I know this has come from my worries about "adulthood" but why the hell do I need to b/p. I am perfectly aware of whats up and I have talked about in therapy and in group but nothing.  I'm still.....???? So yeah and later on I get "knock knock" on my door it's Britany my room mates best friend.

She says' umm I think there uh might be some vomit on the floor.

Okay

I lock myself in the bathroom. Clean. EVERYTHING,  fuck just the floor.  Retreat to my room again and binge again while crying. I don't bother purging their are guests. I guess this is why "  insert name here"  has Chives her puke bucket. And once again why I wish I'd never admitted my issues to anyone that doesn't need to know.

Oh right. I cancelled a drs appointment which I would otherwise be at right this moment. And the reception lady goes on and on about re-schedualing and dr. chapel probably Needing to see me. I have been seeing this dr for my prozac which I haven't taken in ages and to test my blood monthly to make sure my organs are doing whateverthehell their supposed to be doing (ed related stuff).

So erm. thats it.

I got offered the americorps position!!! I don't know if I will take it but it makes me feel a little better about finding a job.  And at the same time my heart is pumping in fear. I am s o scared that I would suck at it. I am sooooo  unconfident in my abilities.

*hyperventilates* I am not ready for adulthood.

When you say you won't "baby" people I hear/think....

"Don't expect me to baby you, remember I'm not the one who got this eating disorder."  A person with an eating disorder does not want nor need to be babied. However, they do need love and support and a comment like this is not providing them with the support they need and deserve.

When you say "I will not sugar coat things" I hear/think...
You and you're feelings aren't worthy of my consideration.

When you say that people should be able to fix their own problems I hear/think...
"Quit feeling sorry for yourself."We are not doing this because we feel sorry for ourselves. There are deeper emotional problems causing us to do this. A comment like this will only help to make us feel worse.

"You shouldn't go to counseling anymore. It's not helping you anyways."  Recovery does not happen overnight. It takes time and the person will experience periods of relapses.  Also, the person may not be receiving proper treatment which makes therapy difficult.  You need to encourage the person, not make them feel worse.

If it wasn't for you and your eating disorder, then we wouldn't have to waste all of our time running back and forth to these doctors."   First, seeking treatment is not a waste of time.  Also, a comment like this would only make the person feel worse about him/herself and cause them to feel guilty, which in turn could cause them to turn even more to their eating disorder as a way to cope.
That you see me as weak for needing support.

It hurts. And sometimes I really wish I knew of a way to hurt you too.

Real friends. Honest friends. Sensitive friends. Encouraging friends. Not "friends" who are far away and only  really talk to you when they are worried about something, not friends who I am scared to say certain things to. Not this.

Sorry.  I feel particularly shitty today.

Ugh. I'm lonely.  I'm tired of being alone. I am tired of not being good enough for people.

I can't. I don't know.

I tell myself I can happy alone. I can be. But it seems pretty impossible. There's this crap that comes along with it. Whats wrong with me?  Why the hell doesn't anyone love me.  WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH. And it sucks because these tiny things people say. When you realize you are not good enough for them. Are nothing, NOTHING TO THEM.  But those little realizations. God they hurt like fucking hell.

So I talked about a woman in here before who I know from another part of my life who happens to attend the eating disorder support group I go to.  I was shocked when I first saw her in group. She seems so confident and God I dunno but she just releases this energy of being this completely grounded person. I couldn't imagine her dealing with this. Just goes to show all of us have our shit. 

Anyway so in group HE (same person) acknowleged that he is transgender and has just started testosterone treatment.  And I'm just in this state of mind right now. I'm happy for him . Proud of him. I'm proud of his honesty and courage and STRENGTH.  I am a complete fucking chicken shit. I feel like I am incapable dealing with the smallest little things. And he is dealing with this huge issue.  I can't imagine. And I'm just I dunno. I hope that this will help him  feel more comfortable in his body.  The body he feels he REALLY BELONGS IN.

I  talked to my parents about Americorp and they just discouraged the shit out of me. Thanks dad.

This morning I woke up feeling some what lighter and rummaged the house in search of the hidden scale.  

Big mistake. I want to be shot. :(

So I applied to the AmeriCorps Vista program.

In the middle of my class I get a call from them. My classmates and teacher say well gert out CALL THEM back!!! SO I stepped out in the middle of cIass  and  talked to th HR person today about applying sepcifically for youth services that has a crisis line for teens/homeless shelter...which seems familiarish to working at a DV shelter and crisis line. Pfcourse the issues I'd work with would be very different. Anyhoo So she's telling me all about the program and I 'm thinking So I'd be poor for a year. And say, "Ah man I always joked that once I graduated I would be handing out welfare to myself as they tell me how they'd help me with getting food stamps ... CUZ I"D BE POOR for a year." Thats okay. I don't care it's seems to interesting to care. Anyway So I will be interviewing for it next week. Scary.

 Mostly sloppy weekend " I'm bored and have no actuall artsy idea's today" type stuff:

And this one which I really liked despite how plain it actually is:

So I b/ped yesterday after 4 days free. I need to get back on track again. I will not let it get me down. I will eat 3 normalish meals and exercise some  today and that'll be fine

IT WILL BE FINE.

My life is highly unexciting.....

 I've been entertaining myself with "art"  journaling  instead of b/ping

                                                                                                          




I seem to be doing reasonably with food. I have not b/ped again thank God. Though the temptation has been there.  Ooer and I did something productive!!! Cleaning my room. It looks so much bigger when the floor is visible :D

Oww. My tummy

I ALMOST made it a whole week without b/ping. Last night I had a muffin. I felt major guilt.  I told myself not to purge.  But I had ooked in myself earlier in the mirror,  and I couldn't stand it.  I didn't purge the muffin.  But I just cried instead. pfft.

 This morning, at 3amish I b/ped anyhow by downing an entire box of graham crackers. It's amazing how much pain  ONE b/p can bring.  There have been weeks when I did it 3-4 times a  day and I didn't feel like this.  The last time I b/ped then exercised I had the whole dizzy effect.  This time I needed to lay down because my side ACHED so much.  Now my tummy is bloated and in pain.  Pfft.

I need to get back on track right away and not let this get me down.

I have to give a presentation in a class in a n hour and a half. I hella don't want to go. I  feel completely dead today. Pfft. It will be a very boring unenergetic presentation let me tell you. Sigh. I also scheduled a presentation the same time as a reception I am supposed to go to which is schedualesd at the same time as my ANAD group. Ugh God. I feel so unmotivated to do anything. I always get shit done but god I'm tired.
3 1/2 weeks left til graduation....good /bad??? I dunno.

True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly....

I want to pretty and small. I'm  having an internal freak out.  Calm exterior, yet an insane urge to cry and never stop crying. Ugh and all the emotional crap in my head is giving me a tummy ache. For once not to be blamed on ED behaviors. I am still doing fairly well in that sense.



Ugh the tears have come.  How come it seems so difficult to accept myself???

been in a 5k (walk/run)
Gone grocery shopping
Eaten healthily (woop!!!)
Gone to the bead store  then
Made myself a charm bracelet.
Got home napped.
Got up
Painted.

I am now bored. 

Oh my unartistic journal page to go with my last post



And an entry about a hug I recieved.... really blurry I know. Horrible photographer....

OMG OMG OMGOMG OMG OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


http://viewmorepics.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewPicture&friendID=345632323&albumId=543195

I have this niece who's never been around because her mom told my brother when she was born she wasn't his.....drama drama drama.

Mother fucker.  Thats her and there are pics of my niece that I NEVER EVER SEE.

Son of a *******

My tummy hurts like hell. Again. I guess that's my own fault.