alittlechange

Dog on Lockdown

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 01:27:33 GMT

My puppy is a trouble maker, but I love him dearly. I came home today and my dad says (I live w/ my parents) That from now on he stays in his little pen unless we are playing with him. I guess he dug up the yard again while we wer at work. Usually he has the yard to himself but he pulls out the grass, digs holes, pulls the laundry off the line........

I don't know how to teach him otherwise, but I did order a book on training dogs to try some stuff out. ANyhoo, I'm sad I don't want my puppy pent up all day. :(

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 14:17:55 GMT

This is probably a wierd thing for me to say, but I look forward to Winter. My skin looks all icky from being in the sun too much. I want it to fade down to it's natural color. Plus I look forward to be able to be covered up all the time and not seem too "wierd."

I finally got myself to get to the gym i don't know how much good it will do me. I mean I guess I could just use it as a way to keep my body healthy, but you know ofcourse my mentality is aimed at weightloss. I feel like I need to pretty much face that I will most likely never be happy with my body nor will I ever be a steady weight that is "healthy." Its a constant up and down of weights and moods.

It's been about 4 weeks since I've purged. Thats good, but I still hate how I feel in my body. That hasn't improved at all.

Take care all.

Peace and Love,
Ro

Tue, 12 Aug 2008 01:41:53 GMT

I haven't written in a bit. Well I don't write much or often anymore I thought I'd update. Though there is not much of anything to say. I have been working ofcourse. It's okay not too exciting but the people there are nice. And I am constantly busy which is good. I am sick right now which sucks. All stuffy and shit. It feels like the day is taking forever. Hopefully tomorrow I will be feeling better.

On the eating front. Well I've been eating like a pig honestly. I have not had single massive binges however just steady grazing on junk food; I'm getting fat., corection I'm getting fatter, No doubt about it. However I have not purged in atleast 3 weeks thats good right? I joined a gym last weekend.....I've yet to go. Hopefully I do soon. Maybe the exercise will lift my spirits some.

Yesterday, I took myself to the movies. Ask me what I went to see!!!!!!! The sisterhood of the traveling pants, alone, at 11 am. Haha I'm such a fuckin nerd. I enjoyed it;s cheeziness. And afterall I saw the first one by myself also. It made me sad though. I mean I just miss close friendships. Obviously I don;t hang out with anyone and thats been how it is for quite a while.

Peace and Luv-
Ro

I got my nose pierced!!!

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 23:41:49 GMT

OKay so thats nothing but I'm excited still. It's so unlike me.

blah

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 01:37:20 GMT

I am thinking of starting a new journal. I have shared this one with a few people from my real life and frankly I miss the privateness. Then I can bitch about everyone PRIVATELY :D. But I'll let ya'll know my new one if I do start another.

ANywho it's the same old shit as always. I pretty much have been waking up everyday bawling my eyes out while I get ready for work...I feel like such crap. Its always something new, something not even significant that fucks with my head each day. This weekend I saw I guy I liked years back. I was infatuated. Idiot. Ah. Anyhow I hadn't seen him in five years. He was with his gf. I knew her. I even had a class with her err 3ish years ago and worked on a project with her. Anyhow, so it wasn't that I'm all warm and fuzzy for him still. I mean warm fuzzies never quite go away but it's fine it's been a long time. What then? Well I ofcourse started to think ah look happy people, people worthy of having love, oh look another guy I wasn;t good enough for and so on and forth. And I'm still stuck on that. Well when am I not? It was just another trigger, I hate my fucking head. Everything that goes in seems to be spit out with a new negative spin.

I need help. I hate having these feeling all the time.

Edit: And then she remembered she can just lock her posts. *slaps forehead*

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 18:01:05 GMT

I have become such a bitter person. I am sad and lonely and I'm never happy for people. Just jealous. I wish someone loved me too, I feel like that could make everything better. But I've never been good enough for anyone.I'm not even good enough for me.

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 04:23:14 GMT

I should be shot and put out of my misery.

Anyone????

I started my new job today!!!!!!!!!!!

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 01:06:30 GMT

Well sorta. I kinda just watched other people do stuff. Still this is good. I am tired of being home alone all day wallowing in self pity,bingingand purging, and getting fat. Anywho yay! I feel a bit wierd about it. It is for Migrant Kids so part of the requirement is to be bilingual. So at the interview for example I had to answer everything in both english and spanish. It is REALLLY wierd for me to be spoken at in Spanish all day. I mean yeah I'm MExican, yeah I speak Spanish and I will when I need to speak with parent's BUt I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO much more comfortable speaking in English. Would it be wierd to ask people to speak to me in English????

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 19:35:05 GMT

I keep feeling more and more depressed lately. I keep thinking things I don't want to think. Tearing up at random moments of the day. Walking around in nervous circles because I can't sit still. I disgust myself. I will never be thin again I have no control over my eating NONE. I don't know what do do anymore. And my life, my life means nothing to me. I don't have any relationships left and I seem/feel too fucked up to start any. I don't like the things that are going through my head lately.

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 13:22:21 GMT

I may not end up a complete failure after all! Yesterday I got a call from Headstart and the offered me the Family Advocate position that I interviewed for a while bacl It may take a while before I get to start though. Plus I have to do a fingerprint check and whatnot. Now I just hope I like it.

Oh and Ike, my puppy is all better now. Thank goodness, he's all hoppy and nibbly again.

I WANT MY PUPPT TO BE BETTER ALREADY!!!!

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 14:01:54 GMT

I took him to the vet yesterday because he has diareah and has been throwing up. They gave me some meds' to give him. He hasn't eaten in 2 days.

I WANT HIM TO BE BETTER ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He just lays there all tired energiless giving me those sad eyes. :(

Pfft.

11 days purge free

Thu, 29 May 2008 14:19:47 GMT

I have a job interview today. At 2:30ish. I woke up much to early. I will be nervous about it the whole damn day. Wooh. I don't generally get nervous about this. But apparently it isn't the case today. I really need to apply for more jobs. I want to have more options so I atleast feel less likely to end up in one I am unhappy about. I don't wanna wake up everyday and have to get ready to get to a job I loath. I wanna be EXCITED. Or you know slightly. I don't really get excited about much of anything anymore.

Wed, 28 May 2008 14:25:13 GMT

So yesterday was a bit shitty. I freaked out over the weight thing.

Then.......

Later in the day I had my ANAD meeting it was family night. My parents asked me if it was and said the wanted to come. I got really anxious. I told them I didn't want them there, argued. I left without saying anything.

I'm currently afraid of even being talked to.
I wish I could just disappear sometimes.

Tue, 27 May 2008 19:04:55 GMT

Its just a stupid motherfucking number!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why does it have to mean your worthless. WHy does it have to scare you. Why does it have to mean you may as well be fucking dead. WHYYYYYY???????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!

Mon, 26 May 2008 23:50:13 GMT

Sadly yeah I was entirely serious. I don't mean to stir anyone up. I am just in a lousy place I guess. I can't take the way I feel in my body right now. Sorry. I hope everyones good.

I'm a college graduate wooh!!!!

Sat, 24 May 2008 21:58:22 GMT

It was forking cold and are caps kept flying off and we had to wait in the rain and the second we walked we all were ready to leave. I will post pics later.

Fri, 23 May 2008 22:16:15 GMT

I was just thinking, and realized. I am one vengeful bitch.

Fri, 23 May 2008 22:02:41 GMT

So...
I may not be on much for a while. Just letting ya'll know.

Note to self

Fri, 23 May 2008 19:55:49 GMT

Viaje	Fecha	Día	Paradas	Ruta	Vuelo	Detalles de la ruta

Salida	03 de jul	jue	Sin escala	SMF-LAX	3225	Salida de Sacramento (SMF) a las 7:35 PM Llegada en Los Angeles (LAX) a las 9:00 PM
Regreso	06 de jul	dom	Sin escala	LAX-SMF	328	Salida de Los Angeles (LAX) a las 11:45 AM Llegada en Sacramento (SMF) a las 1:00 PM

531 dollars Southwest Airlines

Going Out

	Airfare / Adult	$	78.14 USD
	Taxes / Adult ( details)	$	16.36 USD
	Subtotal /	$	94.50 USD
	X 3 Adults	$	283.50 USD

Going Out
-	This fare is nonrefundable and name changes are not permitted.

-	Reservations made with this fare may be changed or canceled at jetblue.com or by calling 1-800-JETBLUE (538-2583) prior to scheduled departure for a fee of $100 per person plus any applicable difference in airfare. Any remaining balance will be placed in a JetBlue credit and may be applied toward a future reservation for one year.

-	If a reservation made with this fare is not changed or canceled prior to scheduled departure, all money associated with this fare is forfeited.

-	This fare is capacity controlled. Seats offered at this fare are limited and may not be available on all flights.

-	All fares are subject to change until purchased.

Coming Back

	Airfare / Adult	$	101.40 USD
	Taxes / Adult ( details)	$	18.10 USD
	Subtotal /	$	119.50 USD
	X 3 Adults	$	358.50 USD

Coming Back
-	This fare is nonrefundable and name changes are not permitted.

-	Reservations made with this fare may be changed or canceled at jetblue.com or by calling 1-800-JETBLUE (538-2583) prior to scheduled departure for a fee of $100 per person plus any applicable difference in airfare. Any remaining balance will be placed in a JetBlue credit and may be applied toward a future reservation for one year.

-	If a reservation made with this fare is not changed or canceled prior to scheduled departure, all money associated with this fare is forfeited.

-	This fare is capacity controlled. Seats offered at this fare are limited and may not be available on all flights.

-	All fares are subject to change until purchased.

Total Cost of Flight		$	642.00 USD

642 Jet blue
or
552 Jet blue

Adult Lowest Fare		$54.00 USD

Fri, 04 Jul 08
Flight 263

10:50 AM	Depart	Sacramento, CA (SMF)
12:13 PM	Arrive	Long Beach, CA (LGB)

Adult Lowest Fare		$109.00 USD

Sun, 06 Jul 08
Flight 262

8:45 AM	Depart	Long Beach, CA (LGB)
10:08 AM	Arrive	Sacramento, CA (SMF)

Going Out

	Airfare / Adult	$	50.23 USD
	Taxes / Adult ( details)	$	14.27 USD
	Subtotal /	$	64.50 USD
	X 3 Adults	$	193.50 USD

Going Out
-	This fare requires two or more customers to book together on the same itinerary, at the same time, and travel together on the same flights.

-	This fare is nonrefundable and name changes are not permitted.

-	Reservations made with this fare may be changed or cancelled by calling 1-800-JETBLUE prior to scheduled departure for a fee of $100 per person plus any applicable difference in airfare. Any remaining balance will be placed in a JetBlue credit and may be applied toward a future reservation for one year.

-	If a reservation made with this fare is not changed or cancelled prior to scheduled departure, all money associated with this fare is forfeited. This fare is capacity controlled. Seats offered at this fare are limited and may not be available on all flights.

-	All fares are subject to change until purchased.

Coming Back

	Airfare / Adult	$	101.40 USD
	Taxes / Adult ( details)	$	18.10 USD
	Subtotal /	$	119.50 USD
	X 3 Adults	$	358.50 USD

Coming Back
-	This fare is nonrefundable and name changes are not permitted.

-	Reservations made with this fare may be changed or canceled at jetblue.com or by calling 1-800-JETBLUE (538-2583) prior to scheduled departure for a fee of $100 per person plus any applicable difference in airfare. Any remaining balance will be placed in a JetBlue credit and may be applied toward a future reservation for one year.

-	If a reservation made with this fare is not changed or canceled prior to scheduled departure, all money associated with this fare is forfeited.

-	This fare is capacity controlled. Seats offered at this fare are limited and may not be available on all flights.

-	All fares are subject to change until purchased.

You selected these flights:

Departs

Arrives

Stops

Travel Time

Flights & Cabin (Class)

Sacramento, CA (SMF) to Los Angeles, CA (LAX) on Tue, 03 Jun 2008

7:45am
SMF

9:13am
LAX

Nonstop

1 hr 28 min

Delta 7783
Embraer 145
operated by Expressjet Airlines
In-Flight Services

Coach (T)
View Seats

Los Angeles, CA (LAX) to Sacramento, CA (SMF) on Sun, 06 Jul 2008

6:15pm
LAX

7:37pm
SMF

Nonstop

1 hr 22 min

Delta 7756
Embraer 145
operated by Expressjet Airlines
In-Flight Services

Coach (K)
View Seats

Price per passenger:	$178.00 (USD)
Taxes/Fees:	$21.00 (USD)

Subtotal per Passenger:	$199.00 (USD)

Total for all passengers (3):	$597.00 (USD)
	(View fare rules)

I'm so sorry lj friends................

Fri, 23 May 2008 19:16:48 GMT

Apparently it's time to turn over a new leaf. It 's always time really. It's about doing things. So what do I want to do with myself?

I am going to find a job. I am still scared that I'll get one I hate.
soo... I will take some fun classes at the local community college I'm thinking
or I will have to join some group
or volunteer.
Because I am not going to keep being a loner
I need people in my life who are actually available. Local. Positive influences. Supportive.
If I don't make friends I am going to keep turning to my bulimia when I am lonely.
I want to date. I've NEVER dated .So hook me up! Haha
I'm scared I won't like my life but I can do thinks to add to it.
BUT I HAVE TO DO IT, no one will do it for me.
And I just hope I don't go home get depressed and back out of really LIVING.

Wed, 21 May 2008 01:02:22 GMT

I finished my last class today. I am graduating college on Saturday and I am moving back home with my parents again.

Eep. I am nervous that I will not transition into adulthood well. I am nervous I won't find a job soon or that I'll get one and absolutely hate it. I'm scared I'll start b/p like crazy when I move back home again. I'm scared my life will be mundane and boring and meaningless. I'm scared it'll take forever for me to move out on my own. I'm scared I'll never find my "soulmate." I'm scared I won't have close friends the way I've have in the past again. I'm scared to hate the rest of my life. I hate it NOW.

Sorry for the negativity but.. I dunno............

Tue, 20 May 2008 01:52:24 GMT

I always wonder
whether I've anything to offer
But I need
this need of survival
and I want
to give all thats possible
So I pour
at any glimpse
of outstretched hand
I pour it all
when hands pull back
inevitably
there is but a drop
and I still need
this need of survival.

Weekend.

Mon, 19 May 2008 19:48:51 GMT

Whole lot of nothing went on.

My brother asked me I gained weight. Fucker.

I'm freaking out about graduating. I'm was unsure about what was up with that one Upper divisions unit they say I need in addition to the 9 swrk units. Well I researched and figured out that an upper division unit is any class with a number above 300, not just our UD theme classes so yes I have 39 so far meaning I need one for the 40 unit requirement. Meaning I will have 9 more when this semester ends because my 3 social work classes are numbered in the 400s.

So I should be fine. I even went to evaluations last week to talk to them. The guy said I was fine. And still I'm nervous. Why am I so fucking nervous????

Calm down lady!!!

Stil my GPA is gonna be absolute shit this semester. Woopdiedoo!

random shit

Fri, 16 May 2008 20:53:03 GMT

Last day at my internship today wooh.

Life going er somewhere........ hopefully, got that job(ish) offer which is nice, will be dropping off an application to be a Family Services Advocate for the Head Start Program. It is the last day to turn it in. I have been trying to for a while by fax but they have gotten them all blurry and left me a message that they can't really make out the info on them. So wish me luck with that folks!!!

So well on other news last night I b/ped again, which makes six times this week. Ugh crap. Seriously??? I know this has come from my worries about "adulthood" but why the hell do I need to b/p. I am perfectly aware of whats up and I have talked about in therapy and in group but nothing. I'm still.....???? So yeah and later on I get "knock knock" on my door it's Britany my room mates best friend.

She says' umm I think there uh might be some vomit on the floor.

Okay

I lock myself in the bathroom. Clean. EVERYTHING, fuck just the floor. Retreat to my room again and binge again while crying. I don't bother purging their are guests. I guess this is why " insert name here" has Chives her puke bucket. And once again why I wish I'd never admitted my issues to anyone that doesn't need to know.

Oh right. I cancelled a drs appointment which I would otherwise be at right this moment. And the reception lady goes on and on about re-schedualing and dr. chapel probably Needing to see me. I have been seeing this dr for my prozac which I haven't taken in ages and to test my blood monthly to make sure my organs are doing whateverthehell their supposed to be doing (ed related stuff).

So erm. thats it.

Thu, 15 May 2008 18:41:42 GMT

I got offered the americorps position!!! I don't know if I will take it but it makes me feel a little better about finding a job. And at the same time my heart is pumping in fear. I am s o scared that I would suck at it. I am sooooo unconfident in my abilities.

*hyperventilates* I am not ready for adulthood.