bubblemakergirl

So it's been a while since I've written anything substancial, and my only excuse is that, for some reason, if I can't adequately describe everything I'm feeling, right down to the bottom of myself, I don't want to try to explain it due to underestimating the memories. Once again, an all-or-nothing mind-frame keeps me from what's important. But the realizations of the fact aht I cannot & may not ever capture every moment in it's complete clarity. But I can try & the ieffort will be enough because then I can read it & remember. And there is so much to remember. 

~Going on an airplane for the first time, being in Europe with my best friends for the first days of June, while it's my last summer as a teenager. 
~Giving massages & swimming & driving withe the windows down & listening to Radiohead withe the volume turned up with Mirnada & Ktjo. 
~Having C hold me till he thinks I fell asleep, even though I never can when he's around me. 

And now it's the last week of my summer vacation, & in a couple of days I'll be twenty. I hope that this little change in digits dosen't really mean anything, that I'll still be as dorky & dreamy as I've always been, always wanting things to be just right.  Maybe I should welcome this change, but change has always scared me, like a windstorm losing your place in a novel, ruffling the pages & sending them speeding ahead, too far ahed for what you were ready for. I guess I'll just have to write these next verses myself, carefully composing the future. When I think about what I want to do this next year of my life, the things that come to mind seem simple & impossible: Lose weight, be happy in my body. Save $ for traveling. Stop being terrified of relationships, & except things as they come. Worry less. See Linda once a week & get over blood phobia. JUST BE, living in the moment & enjoying it.  

~I've bought my notebooks, filled my backpack, and have sleeping aids on my bedside table. This is all I've really had to do to get ready for back to school, and while I suppose I'll have to be ready come next Tuesday, I don't think the reality of any situation really hits me till I'm there in the moment. So next Tuesday, 9:00 wandering around an old monestary, I'll be thinking to myself, "here it goes again." But I'm not complaining, I'm just wandering if I should have any expectations...I think it's vital to be optimistic, but all I'm really aiming for is being content in my surroundings.

 I have no idea what I'm trying to say & rereading some of this, it's no wonder I haven't written anything...I just want to be able to look back on this year, in a year or two from now & be able to say "That was a good year."

bubblemakergirl

So it's been a while since I've written anything substancial,, and my only excuse is that, for some reason, if I can't adequately describe everything I'm feeling, right down to the bottom of myself, I don't want to try to explain it due to underestimating the memories. Once again, an all-or-nothing mind-frame keeps me from what's important. But the realizations of the fact aht I cannot & may not ever capture every moment in it's complete clarity. But I can try & the ieffort will be nough because ithen I can readi it & rememver. And there is so much to remember. 

~Going on an airplane for the first time, being in Europe with my best friends for the first days of June, while it's my last summer as a teenager. 
~Giving massages & swimming & driving withe the windows down & listening to Radiohead withe the volume turned up with Mirnada & Ktjo. 
~Having C hold me till he thinks I fell asleep, even though I never can when he's around me. 

And now it's the last week of my summer vacation, & in a couple of days I'll be twenty. I hope that this little change in digits dosen't really mean anything, that I'll still be as dorky & dreamy as I've always been. Maybe I should welcome this change, but change has always scared me, like a windstorm losing your place in a novel, ruffling the pages & sending them speeding ahead, too far for what you were ready for. I guess I'll just have to write these next verses myself, carefully composing the future. When I think about what I want to do this next year of my life, the things that come to mind seem trivial: Lose weight, be happy in my body. Save $ for traveling. Stop being terrified of relationships, & except things as they come. Worry less. See Linda once a week & get over blood phobia. JUST BE, living in the moment & enjoying it.  

~I've bought my notebooks, filled my backpack, and have sleeping aids on my bedside table. This is all I've really had to do to get ready for back to school, and while I suppose I'll have to be ready come next Tuesday, I don't think the reality of any situation really hits me till I'm there in the moment. So next Tuesday, 9:00 wandering around an old monestary, I'll be thinking to myself, "here it goes again." But I'm not complaining, I'm just wandering if I should have any expectations...I think it's vital to be optimistic, but all I'm really aiming for is being content in my surroundings.

 I have no idea what I'm trying to say & rereading some of this, it's no wonder I haven't written anything...I just want to be able to look back on this year, in a year or two from now & be able to say "That was a good year."

empath85
ed_recovery

Here's my intro. and I hope I get to know everybody eventually.

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BASICS
* Name:  Kat
* Age:  22
* Location:  Minnesota

EATING DISORDER
* An explanation of your e.d.:  I've had it since I was about 12 - fasting in the summers between school years, then t got out of control when I was about 16 until I was 18. 
* How long have you had it?:  I've thought it about since I was seven - then started when I was twelve.
* Have you received any treatment for it?:   I went to a therapist for about a year.
* Have you been in recovery?:  Since January 2004 but I've relapsed with three incidences and I feel like sometimes I will relapse for good ant any moment.  But so far I'm still holding on . . . :)
* Do other people know?:  Yes - unfortunatly my Mom felt it was necccessary to tell the ENTIRE world what I was.  But now - I'm okay with sharing it.  Just don't go out saying it unless specifically asked.
* What do you want out of recovery?:  To be able to not think about what I just ate after I've ate it.
* What holds you back from recovery?:  My family.  I want to be perfect for them - be there for them all the time without any flaws of mine getting in the way - anorexia helps me do that.

OTHER MENTAL HEALTH
* Any other mental illness?: Does ADHD count? 
* Any medications?: Yes but right now I'm not on anything except vitamins.  Nothing against medicine - and when I get back to school I'll need to take them again.  But right now, being hyper and fun all the time ain't exactly a bad thing right now!  Not in the summer time at least. ;) 
* Any other self-destructive habits (like self-injury, substance abuse, etc)?:  I also suffered from bulimia (purging to be exact). 
* Are you currently in therapy?:  No.  Just doesn't seem to work for me.  I feel much more comfortable talking to people who have been there, like you guys! 

OTHER UNRELATED STUFF ABOUT YOU
* Are you in school?:  Not right now - I'm helping raise my three little brothers - they're nine, eight and six.
* What kind of music do you like?:  Classic rock! 
* What's your favorite color?:  Purple and Green
* What's a hobby you have?:  Anything art - drawing, singing, writing, dancing, and reading books!
* If you could live anywhere, where would it be?:  I love Minnesota!
* Your favorite quote:  Too many too count . . . 

Well there you have it.  I really hope that I can talk freely here and share how much I want to continue to stay in recovery.  I want to make friends and communicate with people who can understand where I am coming from.  And as much as I like to talk - I love to listen!  So feel free to talk to me, too. 

freespirit729
ed_recovery

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